I couldn't sleep until it was really late last night. I couldn't help but to think about my future. The fact that I have nothing planned terrifies me. I still have a year of school left, I will get my degree, and then I am going to work. But then what? What makes me happy is setting myself a goal to achieve or something to keep me waiting to live. What do I want to do after I am done studying?
It feels like I am on a cliff and a huge tide of emotions was coming towards me. It took me away and I was drowned in those emotions last night. It went into my mouth, my nose, and my ears. Since I don't know how to swim, I was moving my arms and legs randomly for the surface but I was still stuck in there. It took me a while to understand myself and what was going on.
I watched a german movie long time ago but I forgot the title. It was the story of a wealthy man who was overprotective to his daugther. His mansion was like paradise where everything was beautiful and joyful. She was always inside that place since she was born and her father forbid her to leave that place no matter what. She asked him why she can't leave and he explained that the real world outside would only hurt her. He loved her dearly and wanted to protect her from any harm. Years later, the father became ill and passed away. That's when there was no barrier to her and she finally went outside for her first time. She is naive and innocent. Can she survive into the real world? Throughout her life, it was only pain and misery. She naively fell in love with a womanizer. Soon after the wedding, he would abuse her physically and have mistresses. She became pregnant and as her son grew up, he became a drug addict and would also hurt her mother to get money in order to buy his drug.
I didn't live under the same circumstances as her but we are somehow really similar. I was naive and innocent thinking the world is not all that bad. Then I realized that I was wrong. There was a psycho who killed a student and sent his body parts everywhere and then there was necrophilia? Women are still used and abused. Young children are missing and nobody knows what happen to them. In the 21st century, sex is nothing more but a hobby and activity. A woman can now take more than a partner and vice versa for men. Some humans even have animal fetish. It has become so gross that it makes me want to puke. Bodies are just lumps of meat where you chew and spit it out if no good. Where is the love and passion? None of that is important anymore. Have we become animals? Today's youth is just a debauchery where children babble bad words when they are suppose to babble their multiplications. Where are the good manners? None of that is important. We have those skanks who walk naked during the student strike and soon she would become the teacher of your toddler. Does it matter? No it doesn't. A girl drops a credit card. What do you do? That person over there picks it up and puts it in his /her pocket. Someone forgot his iphone in the subway. You erase his number and put yours. Where is the goodness? We lie to make ourself look good. We put the blames on everyone else. No need for responsability.I walk in circle and what I see are the 7 sins: lust, gluttony, greed, wrath, sloth, pride, and envy. I see it everywhere. I keep walking in circle for hope and I am getting dizzy. I don't want to look around anymore. Everything is done in excess. Where's moderation? Nowhere. Go on! Drink a baril of alcohol a day! Smoke 20 cigarettes! F*ck any holes you find! Do it until your body falls apart. The world has gone mad. The sun rise on the west not the east. WHERE IS DIGNITY? WHAT IS DIGNITY? THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT DIGNITY IS!!! WHO CARES??? Well......I do care.
If this is how the world truly is, I am not going to be part of it. I do believe that there's a minority that lives in this world and do believe in goodness and dignity. I want to believe there's hope. I want to believe that someone will help me to get out from that tide of emotions and smile at me genuinely.
Mama, Papa, and friends, thank you for caring for me. I will live on and won't disappoint you. Thank you for loving me.
I feel much better now because I have now accepted how the world is and I am prepared for what is to come. Life is a tide of emotions.
you have to look on the bright side, im sure most of the ppl living in this world are kind and generous. I dont know whats going on where you live , but where i am at the moment theres lots of violence going on, cars on fire, drunk drivers etc... its ok, thats life, the world is not as good as it looks like. Look at France for exemple, in the media they want to make it look like a romantic city blablabla, but in the real life, criminal rate is even more than the US,poverty is also a problem, times are really hard over there, you just dont hear it on the news. I live in missisauga and i can say its about the same as france maybe a bit better.
ReplyDeleteok now lets talk about your studies, i guess your almost done, thats very good you should be proud of yourself. after that you should pursue your dreams and do what you really like to do. It could be music, sports, cooking, the list can go on and on and on. I know a guy who has graduated from med school and 10 years later, he would be teaching karate. Yep, money is not everything. I dont know how old you are but if you say your in college then you still have a truckload of life in front of you. Keep your head up, you have a lot of friends who care for you. ok i think ive said enough, if you have time, please comments on my blog too :)
have a good day
Oh! Yes, I do look on the bright side most of the time. It just hapenned that I was really emotional yesterday when I was talking with a friend. I was deceived and it hurts me to know that some people would use my trust. I watched the news and read the newspaper but most of them talk about unhappy things. So I was against the world for a moment. Writing in this blog really helps me to discharge the negativity. But I do understand what you mean. I live comfotably, I eat well,.., I have everything I need. I am grateful with what I have. Really! :)
DeleteYes I am almost done with university and I am 26 years old. The problem was about the break up with my ex. I had plans when we will graduate and then what was built during the past 9 years is gone...out of the blue. I feel a little empty as if there's a hole in my chest. I also had other projets in mind but I've lost some motivation. When I read the part where you talked about your friend who became a karate teacher, I was really happy for him. It did give me a boost of hope. I should do something to make myself happy and be more positive. Life is too short and nothing last forever.
Thank you for your kind words! I really appreciate it :D I would glady visit your blog as well. Just leave me your blog address. Have a good night! :)