New worry!

Dear friends,

 

I apologize for the long wait. I studied the entire week for this morning exam. I was doing homework, read classnotes, redid last semester’s exam the teacher has put for practice, I did what was possible. What is it I didn’t do? So the night before the exam, I was like: “I’m ready! Bring it on!”. So I went to the classroom this morning and there it is. The moment of truth!!! But you see, there’s a twist just right there. When I was all in joy and crap, the teacher thought to himself: “Let’s do something different this time. The students probably  used last semester’s exam as practice. So let’s make it this exam special where these questions cannot be found in homeworks nor last semester’s exam. I am going to have fun to watch them in pain during the examination. Oh yeah! Take that bitches!”

 

So guess what happened? It wasn’t what I expected. I thought it will go smoothly but no. So during 3 hours in a half, it was total panic for everyone. I witnessed students being in misery such as:

 

-students sighing

-students silently cursing at the computer screen when typing a code doesn’t work

-students endlessly trying to find a hint in the notes (it was an open book exam)

-students doing gestures suggesting “What the fuck? Why isn’t it working?”

 

So most of them struggled the same way as I did before. I panicked a little but it wasn’t impossible to do. 3 hours and a half was just the perfect time for me. If it was just 5 more seconds, I could correct a minor error I’ve found last minute. But seriously, it was ok for me because it is my second time repeating this class. Otherwise, this would be mad hard. Damn!

 

This makes me nervous. I am at the end of my degree and I forgot almost everything I have learned since the beginning except for the repetitive basics. Anything that I don’t put into practice, I will just forget about it. I don’t know what is going to happen. Then, I will have to work in this field and I don’t even have self confidence. This program is just total madness. Maybe I’m just scared of things I can’t see in the future or anything which is unknown to me. I am scared of anything which is new. Anything which relates on how people are expecting from me makes me nervous. But maybe it’s just a normal process. I was scared of high school when I was in elementary school. I thought it was too big and that I would probably get lost but it was ok and I made many friends. When it came about my first job, I was scared the shit out of me. Will I be ok? Will my boss be satisfied with my work? It was like this for every part time job I had. At the end, it always turns out well and I always get along with everyone unless the people I work with are total bullies. My ex-boss was a bully but this will be a story I will write about another time.

 

When I went to the first welcome meeting for new students in actuarial science, the principle gave us warmth with a smile and told us that only 1 on every 3 students will graduate. Here I am! I am one of these people who’s almost there. Damn, I still feel insecure. If I make one mistake, this could be bad for the company. So it definitely gives me more pressure. Maybe it’s because of Sue who gives me all her working experience which scares me. I should stop thinking about this and take one step at the time. Right?

 

On top of that, I am still sick and coughing. FML!