Hello Readers,
Happy Cambodian new year everyone! It's a period of time when we all meet to a buddhism temple and pray for protection. Then we enjoy the rest of the day with the family. That's one common ritual to my family. However, I feel sober today. New year is just another day like another one to me...nothing really special. Maybe it's simply the fact that I don't want to celebrate anything right now. There are moments when I just have bad memories from the past and it makes me feel sad. So my emotions are 10% sad and 90% angry...at myself. Because I can't make any decisions for my own good without hurting others.
I can't tell the story in detail but I can give a simple draft of the story without going to deep. Something terrible hapenned to me when I was 12 years old. Was it an accident or not? Was it a romance affair? Did someone hurt me? No it's not bullying but it doesn't matter what it is. The main point is the fact that I suffered greatly from it but can't tell it to anyone. But let me tell you, from the bottom of my heart, that I didn't do anything wrong. It wasn't something I had control with, it wasn't something I could stop although I wish. That event became a huge burden on my shoulder. One day I just couldn't take it anymore and I had to make it stop without breaking the silence. It has been 10 years now. How do I feel about all of this? Well, I tried to turn the page. Steer my life into a different direction and stop feeling bitter about it. It doesn't matter how hard I try, it's still a heavy weight to lift at certain moment.
When I remember that bad memory, I can't help but to cry silently in the corner of the washroom late at night. I would come out and pretend nothing has hapenn. It's not soo bad though nowadays since I have alot of things to distract myself from those memories. School is stressful but it does bring my concentration elsewhere from it. When I'm at home, I am quietly in the basement doing my own things such as surfing the net, playing silly games, watch movies, you name it. I have moved on. But when I have to go to that 'place', where it all started, everything is coming back to my mind. I try to keep my composure and explain my mom I can't go because I'm lazy, sick, or whatever possible excuse I can find. Sometimes I win and need not to go. Sometimes I lose and can't skip it. It's that cursed place! If I could, I would burn that place and anything related to that event to dust.
Life is not easy and it will never be. My fate is to lift that burden forever and put a fake smile on my face when necessary to make everyone happy. I am sorry that this post feels negative and sad but I feel much better now. Crying isn't enough. Yes I'm already 25 years old and I cry like a baby sometimes...nothing to feel ashamed about. Afterall, we're all humans right?
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